To want

Well I wanted to see twenty one pilots in Portugal so I booked twenty one pilots in Portugal.

My friends told me the other day that they can tell when I’m about to reach ‘break down level’.

I will admit we were a couple drinks down at this point so I just assumed they were joking, but in complete sincerity they turn to me and elaborated that it’s when I begin to suggest ‘outlandish ideas’ like catching the train to Paris for a day, a coach trip down to Cornwall or applying to teacher training. I would like to think I know myself pretty well but as I sit here and look at my search history of eurostar snap, flixbus and the department of education page, I begin to think maybe they were on to something.

I’ve not done this for a while. Writing I mean.

I just decided to ignore everything, writing forced me to face things so I just didn’t. But it’s weeks like this, weeks after deadlines when nothing is quite urgent again just yet, weeks when I’m not scheduled to go into work but also have nothing else to do in place of it. Weeks where a walk along the river seine or through the eden project becomes increasingly attractive. Weeks where I’m forced to sit and think. It’s weeks like this that writing may in fact hold an important place again.

I am at an intersection of my life, I feel like im sitting here waiting for my life to begin. I am still working towards my masters but I no longer have to attend in person so I am more withdrawn from day to day London life than I have been in a while. It’s significantly better than the few months after I left my Bachelors as I’m in and out to hang out with my friends. But there’s something about the mundanity of London life I miss, it’s always an event when I’m in now.

This is also the first time in my adult life that im not paralysed by OCD, I finished my CBT therapy a couple weeks ago and I am amazed to report that it’s helped more than I ever thought it would, in my final session I thanked my therapist for helping me get my future back. Whilst it has been an absolute blessing I think this is where a lot of my current issues lie. I now have the taste of a life I could’ve been living this whole time and I long to feel like I’m actually living it for once. What a wonderful issue for me to have.

At times like this I have to remind myself that the only things stopping me from living the life I want to lead is myself and time. I can’t have everything immediately but I’ll get there eventually I just have to believe it.

Minor issue… If there’s one thing I lack, it’s self belief.

But if I don’t believe who will?

In order to dream and in order to believe I need to know what I want. I also need to know that wanting is okay. I want to wake up on a saturday to sunlight streaming through my window, a text on my phone inviting me to brunch at a place that’s a five minute walk away. I want to walk around some independent shops, pick up some flowers for my dining table. Invite my friends over and I want to talk about work and school and dreams. I want to have wine night catch ups on the few days a week I have to commute into the office. I want to be madly, deeply and truly in love and I want to be loved. I want to spontaneously book concerts, theatre shows and comedy nights. I want to want and I want to have what I want.

It breaks my heart a little that I don’t have that life right now, but I’m working towards believing that it’s something I can have. Some things are even difficult to admit that they’re what I want and the whole thing seems entirely unattainable, but I also thought a life not dictated by OCD was unattainable too so maybe I’m not always right.

Out of the other side of this breakdown, for the first time I’m hopeful. I still feel like I’m waiting for my life to begin now, but I think that’s okay? It’s a transitional period I guess, one I have to live through before I can truly know what I want and in turn know who I am.

For now I’ll continue to resent living at home and not back in London, but I won’t allow myself to stop dreaming by forcing distraction upon myself because I’m too scared to feel lost.

Still might go to Paris though.